dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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