happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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