Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
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