don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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