so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
