Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
