I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
that's an acceptable place to lick
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
