Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
