john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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