not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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