one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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