If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
