in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Blow job season was short but glorious.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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