Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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