smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
