Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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