just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize
