I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
