i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
