I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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