I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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