There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
