Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I need to stop coming to work sober
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
