Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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