My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
