omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
