I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
