Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I cockslap morals
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
