I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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