sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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