tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
