i already hear my dad disowning me
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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