Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
No more Irish car bombs ever.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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