my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
