Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
