Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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