she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
