i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
