If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
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