don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
