You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
