Ambien. No doubt about it.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Randomize
