Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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