I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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