Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Randomize
