Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I'm jealous of your bromance
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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