does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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