My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
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