I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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