never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
