Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Randomize
