Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
