I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize