i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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