If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
