New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
