what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize
