I wannas sexs uuuuu
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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