He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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