i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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