party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
