if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Randomize
