im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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