I feel like I'm in dance class right now
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
