Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
i need some magic done to my vagina
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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