Dude my mom stole all your condoms
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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