she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
She swung at the pinata with crutches
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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