I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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