Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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