He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Randomize
