Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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