So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
