just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Randomize
