I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize